On Love
- nadinepasin
- Nov 26, 2018
- 4 min read
Love.
What a concept.
It has so many meanings though!!!
There’s...
Agape, selfless and unconditional love
Eros, a passionate love
Philia, a friendship kind of love
Storge, a natural familiar love without physical attraction
Ludus, a playful love
Mania, an obsessive type of love
Pragma, a matured and developed enduring love
Philautia, a healthy self-love
Krista Tippett’s chapter on love in her book Becoming Wise, covers so many important details about love. It is muscular and resilient, a support network that keeps the relationship alive, different between loving and being loved, very difficult, action, an innate part of who we are, and connected to a beloved community.

Rather than focusing on her excerpt, I was intrigued by her On Being podcast, particularly by her interview with Alain de Botton.
While I was in community college, one of my English courses required us to read de Botton’s novel, The Consolations of Philosophy. It is about the idea of finding the practical utility of philosophy. This book was great. I was confused a lot of the time but it was one book that I have read in my education that I actually enjoyed and wanted to keep reading. Ever since then, I became intrigued whenever his name popped up so this interview with him on Tippett’s podcast really stuck out to me.
During their interview, de Botton tackles the topic of how people in our culture would be much happier if they just looked at their view of love. He says that we do not teach ourselves or children a realistic love and how it falls and changes and endures. The whole process of love has been lost to our culture because all we see is the falling part of love, but not anything that comes after which is the real work.
I was recently talking with my grandma on a car ride about love and the best way to love the people in our lives. It is a topic I’ve really been thinking about and putting a lot of pressure on myself to be good at doing.

The easiest example of this idea of figuring out the best way to love someone, is my relationship with my boyfriend, Mitch. Sometimes I think I know exactly what I need to do to ensure he feels loved. Other times I have no clue what to do. I feel the need to always be my best and take care of him to make sure that he has everything he needs to be successful but sometimes I actually forget what I need. I get so caught up in taking care of him (sometimes when he actually doesn’t need anything) that I don’t take care of myself. It has taken a long time though to get to a spot where more often than not, I know what makes him feel loved. We have come to this spot in our relationship where we can openly talk about what we need from the other person. We started this conversation by talking about our love languages and then moving from there. It allowed us to develop insight crucial to understanding how the other person operates. Yet after all this time, there is still instances where I have no idea what he needs but I have to be okay with asking and trust that he will tell me and let me love him and I have to be willing to do the same in return.
Love is so complicated! I feel like I am speaking gibberish and going in circles! But bear with me…
I want to love the people in my community to the best of my capabilities but sometimes it is more difficult that I would like. There are people in my life that make it difficult for me to love them because they may annoy me or some other circumstance. And it is a matter of figuring out what they need and to best care for them that humbles me enough to genuinely care for them.
I think the most frustrating part about love is that it takes so long to be able to love someone well and you never know if you are actually doing a good job. It’s a matter of being willing to give someone a certain amount of time and dedication but also truly understanding that person without putting your own problems and personal biases upon them.
After reading Tippott’s chapter and listening to her podcast with de Botton, I have somewhat concluded that we have to know ourselves well enough to be able to know someone else well enough to love them in the way they need to be. If we are unable to love ourselves and be in tune with what we need to feel loved, then there is nothing left to pour onto someone else. We have to realize that there is going to be trials and tribulations when in a relationship with anyone we love, no matter what kind of love it is.
Alain de Botton leaves the interview with Tippott by saying this…
“We must fiercely resist the idea that true love must mean conflict-free love, that the course of true love is smooth. It’s not. The course of true love is rocky and bumpy at the best of times. That’s the best we can manage as the creatures we are. It’s no fault of mine or no fault of yours. It’s to do with being human. And the more generous we can be towards that flawed humanity, the better chance we’ll have of doing the true hard work of love.”
So, after reading all of this, I simply hope you know that love is hard but so incredibly worth it. Look for the ways to love one another that isn’t just the easy route. Spend time learning about the people you care about most in a genuine, curious way. Know how you need to be loved and don’t be afraid to tell the people in your life how they can love you best. Lastly, embrace the bumps love has to offer you through your life.
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