Grace and Necessity - Part Four

Sometimes I just don’t know what to say.

Lately, I have been feeling so overwhelmed by a never-ending train of thoughts that I get so stuck I don’t know what to do or even say.

It makes writing so much more difficult. Getting the swirling thoughts sorted out enough to type them out is so strenuous. I have to take breaks frequently but those make my brain absorb more information that then goes into the abyss and needs to be broken down along with everything else.

I think that it is this constant tap on my shoulder that means I’m not caught up. Just when I think I can relax, the tap on my shoulder makes me turn towards it and realize I haven’t done the task behind me. Then I keep going, and going, and going; still not knowing where I have been or where I am actually headed.

In the final part of Grace and Necessity, Rowan Williams is going over the relationship between God and the Artist, the title of the section actually. He says that “self-awareness [is a formula that] comes from the system’s intricately intertwined responses to both internal and external stimuli” (Williams, 136). As artists, it is almost obvious that we process internal things through external processes.

But, that has been something I have been giving a very scattered amount of thought to.

Am I an artist?

What do I create?

Do I have a process?

What am I externally processing?

With that, am I self-aware?

Being around creatives sucks the life out of me sometimes because I don’t think I create in the same way that they do but I have a deep desire to. I also have no clue how I create so that really doesn’t help either. Williams talks about how you have serve a work and let it develop on its own. But my question is… how in the world do you do that?!

This whole section had me asking so many questions because I genuinely want to know how I can actually feel like an artist and create like one. I want to find out what I personally can create and how that’s different than what others are. I want to let go, release all my thoughts and imagine something, get it down on paper, and have it actually be something. Williams also says that art is a form of play, not being meant to be prescriptive in any way. So maybe I need to scratch definitions I have made up.

So often we try to put the definition of God in a box and that is what I am doing with the definition of art in a way. I have this preconceived notion of what art is and who is artists, basically meaning anyone who can draw, paint, think up a creative idea in an instant, and/or be free in their artistic endeavors. This definition I have in my head I know is not true but I can’t help but let it take over my thoughts and create doubt in my own abilities. God and art are so much larger than any box we could ever put them in.

Anything that I have been touching with a ten-foot pole that remotely resembles art, just doesn’t feel good, right, or true. I want to make something I am impressed with, forget others, I want to impress myself (sounds horrible, I know). Lately, the closest thing to what I consider to be art, has been making signs for the new Hadlock Student Center and their events; but even then, I don’t feel like I am creating anything worthwhile. Even if I narrow down my definition of art to something outside of drawing/painting/designing to writing, I feel like I can’t even write to my best abilities, let alone have the final product be creative.

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So, maybe what I need to do is give myself a bigger box to be in, allow myself a little more freedom in my definition of art. I can’t force myself in artist endeavors, like Williams says; but I can simply give myself some more space to breathe. Hopefully that will allow me to have some more headspace, unclog my constipated mental state (sorry, that’s pretty graphic – but really represents my inner turmoil). Maybe I will start asking more questions of myself, others, and of things.

I suppose this post may not make a whole lot of sense by the end because it has been a manifestation of random thoughts I have been having about art recently. And as I reflect and write, I realize this whole post has really sounded like a pity party of self-doubt and I apologize for that. It has helped to be able to vent in some strange way and Williams' book has given such great insight into a plethora of topics. It has caused me to consider why I desire to create, how I actually do and can create, why I sometimes I can’t get myself to create anything at all, and the connection of creating to something higher (something higher meaning God). Maybe all of these things combined will help me to figure out what to say again, with words and with other forms of art.

If you have been in somewhat of the same headspace that I am currently in, here are a couple of songs that get me out of my head and feeling again (not because of the words but just the feeling of the music itself).

References

Williams, Rowan. Grace and Necessity: Reflections on Art and Love. Continuum, 2005.

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